Pubquest!: August 2012

Saturday, 11 August 2012

Pub 5, Day 1 – The Harley

By Rob

So let me set the scene for you: it’s about two o’clock in the morning, and Robert and Andrew are walking along a dark London Road.

Some blonde-haired girl comes staggering out from some alleyway or side street, and takes a look at us.

“Do you fancy coming back to mine for a drink?” she asks.

Due to some kind of alcohol-induced synaptic slowdown, we agreed and said that we would, indeed, like to go to hers for a drink.

Minutes later, following this girl down London Road, we came to the realisation that she was not entirely sober. It was something in the way she walked, namely her inability to pursue a straight line and frequent missteps, that suggested the influence of drugs or booze (or both). Also, without putting ourselves down, we had to question why a girl would take one look at us and then immediately decide that she wants us both in her flat in the early hours of the morning.

When Andy told me a story of a similar situation that had ended in a guy being mugged, we decided to change course. So, not wanting to have an awkward conversation with our new acquaintance, we literally turned around on the spot and started walking in the opposite direction. It says a lot about the girl's state of mind that she didn't even notice.

We eventually arrived at The Harley, the pub status of which I have continuously questioned.

Who should be sat in there? Only Cowboy Keith!

Andy, being a gentleman, bought Keith a pint of Guinness to say thank you for his wingman services. After all, without the help of Keith, there would have been no handjob. I suggested, to pay the debt off properly, that Andy really ought to wank him off, but the idea was shot down pretty quickly.

The Harley saw us each drink, and finish, a pint of Brimstone ale.

I’ve never been a huge fan of The Harley, but it was good fun that night, trying to get Keith to down his pint, starting up a chant that was taken up by all the students and alcoholics around us.

Unbelievably, Cowboy Keith contacted us to complain that
this article did not show him in his best light, and requested
that we take his photo down. So here is an artist's impression.

The most ridiculous thing we did that night, and perhaps have ever done, was allow Cowboy Keith to drive us home. The man was clearly very, very drunk. But then so were we. I will point out, for the record, that Andy was dead against the idea from the start. But I think he came around a little when we arrived at our destination with all the limbs we had set out with…

The Harley gets a fair 7/10, and Cowboy Keith should get at least that many points on his license.

Pub: The Harley (334 Glossop Road, S10 2HW)

Rating: 7/10

Pint: Brimstone

Brewery: Abbeydale Brewery (Sheffield)

NEXT UP: "Oh stewardess? I speak Jive," at The Angel...

Friday, 10 August 2012

DNF, Day 1 – Barry’s

***WARNING: Unbelievably, our trip to Barry's contained a sexual encounter. If the description of sexual acts is likely to offend you, please skip to our next review of The Harley, where no such incidents occurred***

By Rob

This is where the fun is at.

Open until around two in the morning, Barry’s was a lucky find at half-past midnight. It’s a small Jamaican pub and the bloke behind the bar was, we soon learnt, Barry himself. I think it's fair to say that he isn't the most overwhelmingly friendly and cheerful guy in the world.

Two pints of Stones Cold later (yes, we are of the opinion that ‘Stones Cold’ is not the same beer as ‘Stones’) and we were quietly supping our drinks, minding our own business.

Over in the other corner of the pub, a middle-aged Chinese man was playing pool with a group of girls, all of whom looked to be in their late twenties.

The man came over to us and introduced himself as Keith (from hereon referred to as Cowboy Keith). He was short, wearing a dark suit and shaded glasses, with a cowboy hat atop his head. I'll allow you to make your own judgments about his character based on this.

Forgoing the standard 'hello', he opened with: "Come meet these girls." He pointed to the girls over at the other side of the bar, stood around the pool table. "They're all too young for me," he explained. "But they’re young enough for you two."

Before we had a chance to respond he turned and began to walk away, beckoning for us to follow.

"Come over and I’ll introduce you!” he shouted over his shoulder.

Well, I maintain that there are only a handful of truly selfless people on this planet, and we'd just stumbled into one of them; a guy willing to play wing-man to two strangers he'd never met before. If the cowboy hat hadn't already made it clear – this guy was something special.

Dumbstruck, we followed him over to the pool table. Via this rather strange and entirely impromptu introduction, we started talking to the girls. All was going well over in my corner; my jokes appeared to be landing, there were no awkward silences, and both parties involved seemed interested in the other. That was right up until my newfound acquaintance decided to casually drop into conversation that she had two kids, one of whom was seventeen years old. At this point, as a 21-year old undergraduate who could barely look after himself, I opted for a tactical retreat and moved away to play pool with Cowboy Keith.

Andy, on the other hand, had found himself talking with a girl who was either drunk, mentally unhinged, or both. In addition to her inebriated musings and varied slurred utterances, she suffered from strange outbursts during which she continually told us that we knew her brother, Ethan. We said we didn't, because we don’t. But she chose not to believe us. With great volume and vigour she repeatedly branded us liars and went on insisting that we knew her brother.

Anyway, I’m sure you can see where this is going. No? Well, she then grabbed hold of Andy, kissed him furiously for about ten minutes before dragging him outside into the smoking area where she wanked him off until a member of staff, presumably the eponymous Barry, disturbed them.

(I would like to take this opportunity to mention that at the very start of the night, when I mentioned the prospect of meeting women through Pubquest, the oh-so-wise Andy said: “You do realise that won’t happen, not in pubs. We’d have to go to about a million pubs to pull once.”

I now feel that we both win. He wins because he got a handjob, and I win because he was proved wrong. From recent episodes, we have learned this: if we want to get laid, we have to start the night by sincerely believing that we won’t.)

Me and Cowboy Keith played pool for a while, I won! (Obviously more satisfying than a handjob.)

Eventually we left Barry’s. But there was a tragedy. Andy had, in all the excitement of handjobs and not knowing Ethan, failed to finish his pint.

Therefore Barry’s (which gets a 10/10 rating for sheer entertainment value) has to be marked as follows:

DNF: Did not finish.

AGHJ: You can guess.

Pub: Barry's (96-98 London Road, S2 4LR)

Rating: 10/10

Pint: DNF

NEXT UP: Putting our lives in danger, at The Harley...

Thursday, 9 August 2012

Pub 4, Day 1 – The Cremorne

By Rob

At around quarter to midnight, we assumed most pubs in the area would be closing. However, the Cremorne on London Road was still open and still serving.

The pub is named after the horse which won the 1872 Derby,^[1] regarded by contemporaries as one of the finest horses of his era. Bizarrely, the horse that came second that year was such an outsider that it didn't even have a name, so theoretically, had that horse won, the pub would be nameless.

An illustration of the final stages of the 1872 Derby – the runner-up is referred to as "Makeshift Colt"

The pub had a gothic feel to it, almost as if someone had taken a handful of Corp’s filthy charm and sprinkled it over the building. There was a lingering aroma of cannabis in the air, complete with the clientele one might expect to find in Corp on a Saturday night.

We were in luck with the beer, and each ordered a pint of Bigred ale. The drink came as a welcome break for Andy, who was feeling rough after two gassy pints.

I wanted to give the place 7/10, I liked its grimy feel. Andy disagreed. Therefore, in the interest of fairness, The Cremorne is awarded the following rating: 7/10.

Pub: The Cremorne (185 London Road, S2 4LH)

Rating: 7/10

Pint: Bigred

Brewery: Ossett Brewery (Ossett, West Yorkshire)

NEXT UP: Romantic encounters, at Barry's...

References:
[1] Michael Liversidge, The Definitive A to Z of Sheffield Public Houses, Pickard Publishing, (1999)

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Pub 3, Day 1 – The Golden Lion

By Rob

On our short journey from pub two to three, we passed a group of hooded youths; they were riding around on their bikes in circles outside a shop. The Olympics truly have inspired a generation, at least they’re getting exercise.

We were not entirely welcome in The Golden Lion. It was bingo night. There were seven people in the whole place, competing for a cash prize of something in the region of five pounds.

The barmaid was playing bingo as we walked in. She looked profoundly unhappy about having to rise from her seat and come serve us. However, after sighing and rolling her eyes to make sure we understood the full scope of her irritation, she came to the bar, although she made it tricky for herself by trying to continue playing bingo while she poured our pints.

Again, faced with little choice, we had to tick off a relatively common beer: Worthington's Creamflow.

All in all, on a non-matchday this quiet pub was found lacking somewhat in the area of customer interaction.

The pub gets a fairly poor 4/10.

Pub: The Golden Lion (69 Alderson Road, S2 4UB)

Rating: 4/10

Pint: Worthington's Creamflow

Brewery: Molson Coors Brewing Company (Burton-upon-Trent)

NEXT UP: Horsing around, at The Cremorne...

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Pub 2, Day 1 – Railway Hotel

By Rob

After leaving The Royal Standard, we went in search of the next place with the help of Andy’s trusty map. I use the term ‘map’ loosely. In reality it was a blurry photo of a map that he had taken before leaving his house.

The first pub we came to was closed. The second one we found was The Railway Hotel, which was open.

The pub was tiny inside. I mean really, really small. It looked a bit like someone had just decided to quickly knock up a bar in their living room. There was an elderly bloke behind the bar (he worked there, he hadn't just wandered in).

There was very, very little choice with the beers. With nothing to work with, we ordered a pint of Stones.

All in all the place was pretty endearing. I'd be interested to see it in on a busy day, with its three square feet of taproom...

Pub: The Railway Hotel (184 Bramall Lane, S2 4RF)

Rating: 4.5/10

Pint: Stones Bitter

Brewery: Molson Coors Brewing Company (Tadcaster, North Yorkshire)

NEXT UP: Eyes down for a full house, at The Golden Lion...

Monday, 6 August 2012

Pub 1, Day 1 – The Royal Standard

By Rob

Here it began.

A journey that represented, in equal measure, one of the most ambitious and most pointless undertakings in Sheffield's cultural history.

So, how best to start it? With a grand opening ceremony, possibly involving an ostentatious ribbon cutting? Should we have opted for loud, ritualistic celebration or symbolic silence? Either way, it was unanimously accepted that we should mark this moment with some sort of significant gesture.

Foreshadowing the level of organisational genius that would prove to be a hallmark of Pubquest, we both arrived late. Aiming to start at around half past seven in the evening, we just managed to arrive at ten o'clock. Hungry, we then nipped to a nearby McDonalds and, finally, wandered over to the Royal Standard a mere three hours later than planned.

We started in this place because, according to Google Maps, it was the pub closest to the halfway point between my flat and Andy’s house.

Our first drink was an ale, Golden Sheep. The pub was alright inside, with an ‘acoustic room’. I am aware that, usually, this would play host to live music. However, during our visit there wasn't really anything very 'acoustic' about it, save for an awkwardly positioned drum kit, which had been set right in the middle of the room in an apparent attempt to remind us that this pub was trendy.

The decor was nice and the staff friendly. Despite the quiet, I can imagine that on a busier night the place would really come into its own.

The Royal Standard gets a sturdy 7/10.

Pub: The Royal Standard (156 St Mary's Road, S2 4AX)

Rating: 7/10

Pint: Golden Sheep

Brewery: Black Sheep Brewery (Masham, North Yorkshire)

NEXT UP: The adventure continues, at the Railway Hotel...

Introduction

“You're not bloggers, you're alcoholics.”

Ouch. Put-downs don't come much harder-hitting than that.

Surely there must be some sort of middle ground?

“Well it all depends on your numbers. If you get 10,000 hits a week, you're a blogger. But if you've got 10 Twitter followers and a fucked-up liver, you're an alcoholic.”

Thanks for the business plan.

Overview:

Pubquest is a complex social and cultural experiment, currently being carried out by Rob and Andy.

The objective is to drink a pint in every single pub in Sheffield.

A travel blog? A review site? An anthropological study? We blur all these lines and more.

Initially the biography of a dying industry, Pubquest maps the stunning recovery of our city's drinking holes, while also visiting the places that failed to keep up.

Look around. Follow us on Twitter. Help us become bloggers.

Bonus Challenge:

As an extra challenge, we will try to drink a different beer in each pub. Given the sheer volume of pubs, this will likely prove to be impossible. However, with the emergence of a myriad of local breweries, if it can be done in any city in the world, it's Sheffield.

The only rules regarding the drink are:

1. It must be alcoholic.

2. There must be a pint of it.

NEXT UP: Pubquest begins, at The Royal Standard...