DNF, Day 1 – Barry’s

***WARNING: Unbelievably, our trip to Barry's contained a sexual encounter. If the description of sexual acts is likely to offend you, please skip to our next review of The Harley, where no such incidents occurred***

By Rob

This is where the fun is at.

Open until around two in the morning, Barry’s was a lucky find at half-past midnight. It’s a small Jamaican pub and the bloke behind the bar was, we soon learnt, Barry himself. I think it's fair to say that he isn't the most overwhelmingly friendly and cheerful guy in the world.

Two pints of Stones Cold later (yes, we are of the opinion that ‘Stones Cold’ is not the same beer as ‘Stones’) and we were quietly supping our drinks, minding our own business.

Over in the other corner of the pub,  a middle-aged Chinese man was playing pool with a group of girls, all of whom looked to be in their late twenties.

The man came over to us and introduced himself as Keith (from hereon referred to as Cowboy Keith). He was short, wearing a dark suit and shaded glasses, with a cowboy hat atop his head. I'll allow you to make your own judgments about his character based on this.

Forgoing the standard 'hello', he opened with: "Come meet these girls." He pointed to the girls over at the other side of the bar, stood around the pool table. "They're all too young for me," he explained. "But they’re young enough for you two."

Before we had a chance to respond he turned and began to walk away, beckoning for us to follow. 

"Come over and I’ll introduce you!” he shouted over his shoulder.

Well, I maintain that there are only a handful of truly selfless people on this planet, and we'd just stumbled into one of them; a guy willing to play wing-man to two strangers he'd never met before. If the cowboy hat hadn't already made it clear – this guy was something special.

Dumbstruck, we followed him over to the pool table. Via this rather strange and entirely impromptu introduction, we started talking to the girls. All was going well over in my corner; my jokes appeared to be landing, there were no awkward silences, and both parties involved seemed interested in the other. That was right up until my newfound acquaintance decided to casually drop into conversation that she had two kids, one of whom was seventeen years old. At this point, as a 21-year old undergraduate who could barely look after himself, I opted for a tactical retreat and moved away to play pool with Cowboy Keith.

Andy, on the other hand, had found himself talking with a girl who was either drunk, mentally unhinged, or both. In addition to her inebriated musings and varied slurred utterances, she suffered from strange outbursts during which she continually told us that we knew her brother, Ethan. We said we didn't, because we don’t. But she chose not to believe us. With great volume and vigour she repeatedly branded us liars and went on insisting that we knew her brother.

Anyway, I’m sure you can see where this is going. No? Well, she then grabbed hold of Andy, kissed him furiously for about ten minutes before dragging him outside into the smoking area where she wanked him off until a member of staff, presumably the eponymous Barry, disturbed them.

(I would like to take this opportunity to mention that at the very start of the night, when I mentioned the prospect of meeting women through Pubquest, the oh-so-wise Andy said: “You do realise that won’t happen, not in pubs. We’d have to go to about a million pubs to pull once.”

I now feel that we both win. He wins because he got a handjob, and I win because he was proved wrong. From recent episodes, we have learned this: if we want to get laid, we have to start the night by sincerely believing that we won’t.)

Me and Cowboy Keith played pool for a while, I won! (Obviously more satisfying than a handjob.)

Eventually we left Barry’s. But there was a tragedy. Andy had, in all the excitement of handjobs and not knowing Ethan, failed to finish his pint.

Therefore Barry’s (which gets a 10/10 rating for sheer entertainment value) has to be marked as follows:

DNF: Did not finish.

AGHJ: You can guess.

Pub: Barry's (96-98 London Road, S2 4LR)

Rating: 10/10

Pint: DNF

NEXT UP: Putting our lives in danger, at The Harley...