Pub 131, Day 48 – Bierkeller

By Rob

Having sank seven pints in Chapeltown, we fully intended to head home. But Lady Fortuna had other ideas. Extending her mighty hand downwards to once again meddle in the affairs of mortal men, she lit my phone up with a message from my cousin – it was her birthday and various family members had, inexplicably, ended up in town dancing on the benches at Bierkeller. On the train back into the city centre, we figured we’d be close by anyway. Why not have one, two, or three more pints – just for good measure?

While sitting in the train carriage, as we trundled back towards the heart of the city, we got chatting to a guy seated nearby. He’d just finished his shift at the KFC in Chapeltown and was heading back to his home in central Sheffield. After snapping a selfie with him for no discernible reason, he asked if he could share a taxi with us. We said he could, because we’re nice people, and because it’s cheaper to split a fare between three than two.

As we arrived at the main station, we headed to the taxi rank. It was at this point that our new compatriot explained he only had a single pound upon his person and that this was, therefore, the full amount he was able to contribute towards the price of the taxi. Now, I was prepared to be magnanimous. Besides, an extra pound towards our journey, which we were making anyway, would make it 50p cheaper for both of us.

Andy, however, was outraged.

“Are you joking?!” He cried. “You wanna split a taxi and put one pound in?!”

Incandescent with rage and blue in the face with sheer disbelief, Andy proclaimed that he’d rather pay the extra pound himself than allow some chicken-frying-freeloader to steal a ride into town. And so we left the poor bloke standing in the December chill as we sped off, comfortably seated in a taxi, towards West Street.

If there was any doubt about whether the previous venue – the Staindrop Lodge – was a pub, then there was zero ambiguity surrounding this next stop. After all, few pubs actively encourage punters to climb onto the chairs and fling themselves around to the sounds of a classic German beer hall (the Backstreet Boys, Shakira, and Anastasia judging from the playlist).

What more can you say? It’s a great big room full of long benches and tables (you stand on the former, but never the latter). People drink enormous steins filled with lager or disgusting ‘cocktails’ and everyone is spectacularly drunk. We each had a stein of Spaten (followed by a second of Beck’s Vier and a third of Lowenbrau). I’d say that the lagers were a welcome change from all the ales we’d imbibed, but by this point we’d have been happy swigging warm scrumpy from an old shoe.

Unbelievably, Andy was at work the next day. “This is absolutely horrendous,” and “I can’t stress how horrific I feel” were just two of the many texts he used to describe the experience.

Pub: Bierkeller (102-104 West Street, S1 4EP)

Rating: 8/10

Pint: Spaten

Brewery: Spaten-Franziskaner-Bräu (Munich, Germany)

NEXT UP: Revisiting a renamed pub, at The Bloomery...

Pub 130, Day 48 – Staindrop Lodge

By Rob

OK, this one’s not a pub. There have been a few places that, in the past, have had questionable pub status, but this one’s pretty unambiguous. It’s not a pub.

Or is it?

No, it’s a hotel. But the hour was late, everywhere in Chapeltown was closed, we were six pints deep into our adventure, and we didn’t want to stop until we had to.

Winding our way back to the station, we spied the Staindrop Lodge Hotel. The lights were on, at least one person could be seen drinking inside, and so we investigated further. Maybe it was a pub? And if so, we’d have to order another pint!

We nipped inside, entering a reasonably smart, modern-looking hotel bar. We asked the barman if, contrary to all appearances, we were actually inside a pub.

“No,” he replied. “This is a hotel.”

Not persuaded, we had no choice but to drink another beer. After all, it was a public bar – as evidenced by the fact we’d just walked in and ordered a pint – so maybe it was a pub?

Sitting ourselves down on some swanky hotel chairs, at one of their hotel tables, we whipped out our phones to check whether, in fact, the Staindrop Lodge Hotel could be considered a pub. Logging into the hotel Wi-Fi, we searched the name of the place we were in. Google told us it was a hotel. Various hotel booking websites told us it was a hotel. The other bloke drinking in the bar, kindly, told us it was a hotel.

Naturally, we were far from convinced.

A few search results later and we found the Staindrop Lodge’s website. “Bar – Brasserie – Hotel” read the homepage. The word ‘pub’ never appeared.

Inconclusive, we decided.

We made good progress with the two pints of Blitzen – a zesty Christmas beer from Black Sheep Brewery. Even so, we were cutting it fine and finished up just as the barman began placing the hotel chairs on the hotel tables.

Leaving the pub (yes), and looking at the clock, we knew everywhere in Chapeltown was now closed. It was finally time to bring the night to an end.

Or was it?

Pub: Staindrop Lodge (Lane End, S35 3UH)

Rating: 6/10

Pint: Blitzen

Brewery: Black Sheep Brewery (Masham, North Yorkshire)

NEXT UP: Dancing on the tables, at Bierkeller...

Pub 129, Day 48 – The Barrel

By Rob

Now, I always feel like I’m short-changing you, the reader, when I deliver a brief blog. But then I realise that not every blog needs to be lengthy, that not every pub can be an adventure. I also realise that not everyone wants to read an enormous piece of literature. I further realise that few people will ever read this anyway.

So, with all that in mind, I shall limit myself to saying the following:

Having left the Miners Arms, and looking at the time, we decided it was possible to visit at least one more Chapeltown pub before places started closing their doors. Luckily for us, The Barrel was nearby.

It was a reasonably nice pub, but nothing special. It looked very much like somewhere you’d find in Woodhouse, Intake, or anywhere else we’d already been. Standard, old-fashioned interior and a small bar.

By the time we arrived, it was quiet inside. There were a few guest ales on, but not many. We each ordered a pint of Staropramen – after five pints of ale, the light pilsner was a welcome change.

And that’s about it. End of story.

Besides, if you are feeling short-changed then don’t worry: there’s plenty yet to come.

Pub: The Barrel (191 Lane End, S35 2UL)

Rating: 6/10

Pint: Staropramen

Brewery: Staropramen Brewery (based in Prague, Czech Republic)

NEXT UP: Hotelquest? At the Staindrop Lodge...

Pub 128, Day 48 – Miners Arms

By Andy

“At what point did you realise you'd made it?”

This is one of the most common questions that celebrities, such as ourselves, get asked on a daily basis.

For an actor, the answer could be a leading role, or co-starring with a household name. For a politician, it's likely to be when the Speaker first points in their direction, whereas a goal often confirms a footballer's arrival.

For Pubquest, our moment came as we were sat in the Miners Arms in Chapeltown, and both our phones buzzed simultaneously.

“You have 1 new follower on Twitter!”

We exchanged curious glances. Make no mistake, this was not a regular occurrence.

Who was the latest person to fall victim to our uninformative blogs and rarely-updated Twitter account? Perhaps, on this occasion, they may not even be related to us?

As it turned out, our expectations were far too low – our new follower was not flesh and blood, nor had we ever even met them before. In fact, it was a genuine celebrity!

(Well when I say 'genuine', I mean 'sort-of'. It was a sort-of celebrity.)

(The type you are vaguely aware of and seem to recognise their name, but wouldn't be able to pick out of a line-up without first being given several clues.)

The celeb in question was Natalie Bennett.

Yes, the Natalie Bennett, not some imposter. Her account had a blue tick and everything.

For those who need help, Natalie Bennett was the former leader of the Green Party, and easily the 6^th most famous of the 7 party leaders who took part in 2015's televised debates (narrowly behind Cameron, Miliband, Clegg, Farage and Sturgeon; ahead of whoever was Plaid Cymru leader).

Incredibly, she had over 100,000 Twitter followers! We could barely muster 100.

Her Twitter bio did specifically say “Follows aren't an endorsement”, but nonetheless, we were taking this as a massive endorsement. I made a mental note to locate a copy of the Green Party manifesto, to check if we'd been mentioned personally.

Looking back at our stratospheric rise to fame since this point, it is refreshing to recall our naivety. Natalie Bennett was standing as a Parliamentary candidate for Sheffield Central, and of course wanted to raise her profile within the city. To that end, she had followed several of the local Twitter big-hitters – from her point of view, merely being associated with us could seriously boost her election hopes.

Alas, Natalie's success did not mirror our own. At the 2017 General Election, she managed to halve the Green Party's Sheffield Central vote share, dropping them down from second place to third. Just like Eminem in D12, we can't drag everyone else along with us on our journey to the top.

After recovering from being starstruck, we began to check out the pub. The Miners Arms is community-owned: when it was listed for sale by Thwaites Brewery in 2014, local residents fearful of losing a community asset put together the money to buy them out. Here at Pubquest we are a big fan of community-owned boozers (Rob even owns a share in the Gardeners Rest), and congratulate The Miners Arms for helping blaze the trail. Perhaps one day all pubs will be managed by their locals, and penny-pinching breweries will go back to making beers – a lovely thought.

We were now in north Chapeltown, just yards from the boundary with Barnsley. As such, we ordered two pints of Barnsley Bitter – which also happens to be one of my favourite beers. Like drinking Guinness in Dublin, it tasted particularly special.

The community had done themselves proud with the interior: the jazzy wallpaper, garish carpets and large fireplace meant it was immediately recognisable as a classic British pub. Tucked away in the corner was a pool table, and we took advantage of the Chapeltown rates (50p compared to £1 in the city centre) by playing four frames.

The Miners Arms was lucky in that we were in a good mood throughout our visit – after all, we had just discovered superstardom. That as it were, the pub was a gem – off the beaten track (even by Chapeltown's standards), but well worth the journey.

Miners Arms pool score: Andy 2-2 Rob
Pubquest pool score: Andy 53-35 Rob

Pub: Miners Arms (125 Warren Lane, S35 2YD)

Rating: 8/10

Pint: Barnsley Bitter

Brewery: Acorn Brewery (Barnsley)

NEXT UP: Short and sweet, at The Barrel...

Pub 127, Day 48 – The Norfolk Arms

By Andy

When you first tell people about Pubquest, they invariably think of summer afternoons in beer gardens, or winter evenings by a crackling fire. Less often, they think of blindly walking down an unlit road in Chapeltown, desperately searching for some nondescript boozer.

Alas, the latter situation was where we found ourselves tonight.

“I think it's this next left.”

“What left? I can't see a left.”

“Well me neither, but according to the map, there will be a left, and it will be our left.”

“Right. This pub better be good...”

Thankfully, The Norfolk Arms was a classic food pub – our intrepid exploration of Chapeltown meant we had worked up quite an appetite.

They say Edmund Hillary consumed as many as 20,000 calories a day during his summit of Mount Everest, and by the time we spotted our destination we knew exactly how he felt.

Calories (and beer absorption) were the aim of the game, so we ignored the specials menu and ordered two chip butties.

However, we were disappointed to find our chips housed in a brioche bun rather than a doughy breadcake – while brioche buns are a great addition to a burger, the sweetness didn't sit right in a chip butty. The square plates were a bit unneccessary too!

The brioche buns were also less effective at negating our previous pints. In contrast, the humble white breadcake is the Hobnob of the beer absorption world, and can easily enable you to drink for several additional hours.

Bread choice aside, I felt The Norfolk Arms had the right balance of fanciness – the menu consisted of pub classics, often with a slight twist. The specials board alone had enough to keep everyone happy, including an appetising-sounding chicken and chorizo burger.

We drank Ice Witch by Moorhouse's Brewery, a fruity and floral beer which did not suit my palate, but may be of interest for those who like their beer to taste like fabric softener.

After several pints at The Commercial, The Norfolk Arms was the perfect pub to follow up with – a much-needed food stop which gave us the energy to keep exploring...

Pub: The Norfolk Arms (29 White Lane, S35 2YG)
Rating: 7/10

Pint: Ice Witch

Brewery: Moorhouse's Brewery (Burnley)

NEXT UP: Followed by a celebrity on Twitter! At the Miners Arms...

Pub 126, Day 48 – The Commercial

By Andy

Continuing up Station Road we arrived at The Commercial, a flower-adorned pub known locally as 'The Commie'.

The pub had a variety of random rooms spanning out from the entrance – in one sense it reminded me of a working men's club, with each room having a pre-defined function. Always keen to assert superiority at pointless games, we headed straight to the bar billiards room. Unfortunately we were left disappointed, as the bar billiards table was out of order – or at least, we couldn't figure out how to work it. We therefore relocated to the 'cosy' room – you know the sort, done up like your gran's living room, with upholstered seating and sepia photos in heavy frames.

This was by far the busiest room, and it was clearly a friendly place – merely entering the cosy room made you fair game to be approached by a variety of folk, eagerly enquiring after your family.

After batting them all away we sat in the 'bay window', a pleasant feature which added to the living room vibe.

We ordered White Christmas by Saltaire Brewery, which bucked the trend by being a pale seasonal offering rather than the dark December drinks most breweries produce.

The pub was clearly a great community asset – the walls were littered with upcoming events, from whisky tasting to Christmas meals. Such events signal that The Commercial is not a chain pub, but a local venue which caters to its customers. It was also rather refreshing to see that the posters were simple affairs printed off in black-and-white, rather than mass-produced templates sent over by head office.

All in all, The Commercial was everything a local pub should be – well stocked with beers and spirits, full of friendly folk, and with a range of activities for all. Whether you had just moved to Chapeltown or lived nearby for decades, you were certain to make new friends.

It was certainly here that our pleasant drinking tour of Chapeltown became a hardcore drinking session – one pint quickly became two, then three, then four. It was only when leaving that we realised the once busy room now had a circle of empty tables, neatly surrounding ours.

So apologies to Commie regulars if we were a little rowdy – we were thoroughly enjoying our visit to your pub.

Pub: The Commercial (107 Station Road, S35 2XF)

Rating: 9/10

Beer: White Christmas

Brewery: Saltaire Brewery (Shipley)

NEXT UP: Chip butties all round, at The Norfolk Arms...

Pub 125, Day 48 – Coach & Horses

By Andy

Setting off around Chapeltown in a circle, we soon came across our next watering hole: the Coach & Horses.

An attractive stone building set back slightly from the road, it could easily be mistaken for a luxury holiday cottage. However, once inside this vision faltered somewhat, as instead of red wine, chestnuts and an open fire; the pub specialised in crap beer, peanuts and a fake fireplace.

The exposed stonework was barely noticeable behind an array of military memorabilia, gathering dust on each wall. I couldn't help think that the pub would be better served changing its name to reflect this, as there was no indication of its theme from the outside. For example, the Shepley Spitfire was one pub we had come across with a clear military-based name.

The beer options were so poor we opted for Tetley's Smooth Flow, a small family brewery who lovingly handcraft a massive industrial warehouse near Tadcaster which pumps out 700,000 hectolitres each year.

As the pub was empty and we didn't want the landlord to stare at us, we wandered round the corner to a small offshoot room... which contained a pool table!

One thing I've learnt from Pubquest is that there is no standard size for a pub pool tables – they range from tiny compact affairs where the pockets are only a few feet apart, to vast snooker-style behemoths where I feel the need to borrow Dennis Taylor's spectacles.

Needless to say I'm a potter by nature (and a short-sighted one at that), so I prefer the smaller tables as I don't need to waste time worrying where the white ball will end up – it never goes far.

As the Coach & Horses was probably built several centuries before pool was invented, they had crammed in the tiniest pool table imaginable – think slightly bigger than those crap miniature versions you get for Christmas.

This suited me to a tee and I proceeded to annihilate Rob by four frames to nil. The Pubquest pool score was now beginning to get away from him.

Before leaving, we hijacked the blackboard to leave a friendly Pubquest message – it was pub 125 after all, a milestone of sorts.

All in all, I felt this pub needed a revamp. Strip away all the shite, put some good beers on and let the building speak for itself. The stone exterior looks just like a pub should, and the low ceilings and strange layout made you feel almost underground while inside.

However, this was all let down by the military memorabilia, gambling machines and the frankly embarrassing selection of beers.

Make no mistake, this one's got potential – it just hasn't fulfilled it.

Coach & Horses pool score: Andy 4-0 Rob
Pubquest pool score: Andy 51-33 Rob

Pub: Coach & Horses (13 Station Road, S35 2XE)

Rating: 6.5/10

Pint: Tetley's Smooth Flow

Brewery: Carlsberg Group (Tadcaster, North Yorkshire)

NEXT UP: A fantastic community asset, at The Commercial...

Pub 124, Day 48 – The Wagon & Horses

By Andy

As we were slowly being absorbed into the adult world, Pubquest was becoming harder and harder to co-ordinate. Despite a honeymoon period where I had been working in Sheffield, my job was about to relocate again. Rob had also held down a full-time job, but soon ran screaming back to university. Worryingly, he had now reached that stage of post-graduate education where you actually need to attend your lectures.

Thank goodness then, for that period between Christmas and New Year.

For one glorious week, nobody cares what you're up to. We were both in Sheffield for Christmas, and could both skulk off from our families for a day to meet up and be merry (i.e. get slaughtered).

No matter that I had work tomorrow – the office would be practically empty so I could recover at my desk.

Indeed, with a full day at our disposal, we even planned on correcting a disparity which all and sundry had observed – we visit too many pubs in the city centre.

Onwards then, to the edges of the earth: Chapeltown.

Uncharacteristically, we had prepared a map with a hit-list of pubs, although we needn't have bothered – our first stop, The Wagon & Horses (a Wetherspoons), dominated the skyline as we alighted our train.

Located on the main roundabout, it was the perfect place to discuss our plan of attack. Originally, we had hoped to visit every pub in Chapeltown in one day, but glancing down at our map, we knew it couldn't be done. Credit to the people of S35: an excellent pubs per person ratio.

Still, we could cram in as many as possible.

A large pub with a modern interior, The Wagon & Horses was unlike any Wetherspoons I had previously encountered – indeed, the celebrated Spoons carpet had been replaced in parts by vinyl flooring, in a move sure to anger traditionalists everywhere.

Furthermore, the stools had backs to them, the room was well-lit, and the tables weren't covered in empty plates and smears of mayonnaise.

It was, I have to say, impressive – as if someone had mixed Spoons with the 21^st century.

We sat down with two pints of Fairytale of New York by Kelham Island Brewery – we always seize any opportunity to drink a seasonal pint, because you're less likely to encounter it throughout the year. The beer was dark yet citrussy, with a hint of Christmas spices, and – like everything else produced by Kelham Island Brewery – was thoroughly enjoyable.

By this point, the 'well-lit' nature of the pub was beginning to bother me. I like to see what I'm doing as much as the next person, but I draw the line at being dazzled by a spotlight shining directly in my face.

Plus, the more I thought about it, the more I missed the traditional Spoons quirks. Vinyl flooring is all well and good, but it seems a bit soulless when compared to fraying carpets with hallucinogenic patterns. And what's even the point of a trip to Spoons if you don't accidentally rub your elbow in the mayonnaise of your table's previous occupants?

If you hadn't already worked it out, there really is no logic to our scoring system.

Pub: The Wagon & Horses (2 Market Place, S35 2UU)

Rating: 6.5/10

Pint: Fairytale of New York

Brewery: Kelham Island Brewery (Sheffield)

NEXT UP: Unfulfilled potential, at the Coach & Horses...

Pub 123, Day 47 – The Old House

By Rob

After leaving The Princess Royal, we grabbed some food on our way down to Commonside. Sadly, there was nowhere to sit inside the Chinese takeaway we'd selected. Thankfully, Andy had the novel ideal of sitting on the benches outside The Springvale (a pub we had previously visited), and washing the chow mein down with some cold, crisp lager.  

This we did, all the while trying to coax Niamh away from her friends via WhatsApp with promises of prawn crackers, spring rolls, and a little bit of Carling. Our efforts appeared fruitless and so, after finishing the food, we found ourselves joining her and her friends in The Hallamshire House.

It appeared that, rather than visiting somewhere new, we were delivering up a rehash of 2015’s greatest hits. So far, you’re probably wondering at what point we arrive at The Old House. Well, bear with me, for there are stranger things yet to come.

Once inside the Hallamshire, we set to work convincing Niamh to ditch her friends and come with us. Eventually we were successful – Pubquest was always more memorable, we promised, than going back to your friend’s house, drinking white wine, and watching repeats of Love Island.

And so, we wandered down into town, looking for anywhere we hadn’t yet ticked off. We came across Harrison’s Bar and, despite our grave doubts about its pubness/pubability/publikeness, we behaved according to the better-safe-than-sorry rule and decided to try it.

We were immediately greeted by a sign on the door: Sorry, private Christmas party.

A huge amount of noise was being made inside – the place sounded absolutely packed. We all exchanged a glance. “Surely,” Andy said, “they wouldn’t notice three extra people in the crowd”.

I agreed. There was no one on the door, and they wouldn't be able to spot three imposters in the midst of so many people. Besides, we weren’t planning on hanging around very long. In, drink, out – that was the plan. We pushed open the door and stepped inside.

For some unknown reason, the whole bar was filled with little people (by which I mean people with dwarfism): more of them in one place than I had ever personally encountered in my entire life. It had the air of a work’s Christmas do and, on account of it being pantomime season and the time of year for Santa’s Grottos, we naturally had our suspicions regarding the particular nature of the institution to which these partygoers were associated with.

Our first assumption from the outside, that the place was packed, was correct. What we hadn’t counted on, however, was that we would be several feet taller than almost every other customer in the venue. As such, the bar staff spotted us immediately, headed over, and politely but firmly emphasised the private element of the event. We were left with no choice but to leave and find somewhere else.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we ended up in The Old House.

A reasonably smart venue, it was no doubt closer to a cocktail bar than a pub, but we were guided by the same rule that had led us to Harrison’s. Inside, it was swanky, loud, and offered a large array of wines and expensive sugary concoctions. Niamh helped herself to something that looked exotic and eye-wateringly pricey, while Andy and I each ordered a pint of Empire IPA – a pretty potent ale (clocking in at 5.2%), it lacked the hoppy punch I’d expect from a beer of such strength.

We sat there and reflected on our interesting attempt to get into Harrison’s. The night had certainly proved more memorable than any episode of Love Island...

Pub: The Old House (113-117 Devonshire Street, S3 7SB)

Rating: 7.5/10

Pint: Empire IPA

Brewery: Spitting Feathers (Waverton, Cheshire)

NEXT UP: Onwards to Chapeltown, at The Wagon & Horses... 

Pub 122, Day 47 – The Princess Royal

By Rob

Twas the season to be jolly! Determined to make merry, Andy and I propelled ourselves headfirst into a night of Pubquesting. Conveniently, my friend Niamh and a bunch of her university friends (who we didn’t know) were out boozing in some of the pubs around Crookes. Always happy to hijack other peoples’ evenings and transform them into exciting adventures (irrespective of their wishes), we decided to tag along.

We discovered they were in The Hallamshire House. We explained we'd already visited that pub. They explained they didn’t care. We explained that it would be better to visit somewhere we hadn’t already been to. They explained they were not prepared to structure their whole evening around our pointless blog. We explained that this was hardly reasonable and that, if forced to do so, we would go and drink someplace else on our own. They explained they didn’t care, that they didn’t know us that well, and that it was weird to be having this conversation with us in the first place.

So, we went to The Princess Royal instead.

And weren't we glad we did?! It was a cosy, stone-built little pub, with a good few guest ales on offer. The barman offered some brief, friendly chat, and poured us each a pint of Harley – a reasonably nice, but pretty average, pale ale from Welbeck Abbey Brewery.

The pleasant surprises continued when we discovered a snooker room, and they continued even further when I beat Andy 1-0.

The pub was pretty quiet, but it was snug and charming. Warm, friendly, and nicely decorated with Christmas lights, it proved a very welcoming atmosphere on a cold December night. We didn’t especially want to leave, but we hadn’t eaten dinner and the crisps, nuts, and scratchings on offer wouldn’t be sufficient.

Besides, we had decided that if we couldn’t convince Niamh’s friends to come on a Pubquest journey with us, then we must persuade Niamh to abandon her friends and join the adventure.

There was work to do.

Princess Royal snooker score: Andy 0-1 Rob
Pubquest snooker score: Andy 4-4 Rob

Pub: The Princess Royal (43 Slinn Street, S10 1NW)

Rating: 8.5/10

Pint: Harley

Brewery: Welbeck Abbey Brewery (Welbeck, Nottinghamshire)

NEXT UP: Snow White's Christmas party, at The Old House...

Pub 121, Day 46 – Malin Bridge Inn

By Andy

Having ticked off all the pubs on Hillsborough Corner, we ventured slightly further afield for our next visit: the Malin Bridge Inn. Neither of us actually knew where the pub was, but having grown up on the blue tram route we were fully aware that the terminus was at Malin Bridge. With that in mind, we followed the tram-tracks until we found the pub.

It was a traditional affair inside, featuring patterned carpets, upholstered stools and rowdy locals. There were two ales on display but we had encountered them both before, kickstarting a panicked search for a new drink.

I stood on my tiptoes to peer into the fridge, but failed to locate anything original. Rob went wandering round the corner of the bar, shaking his head at each logo he passed.

This was it. After drinking a different pint for 120 pubs, we were about to fall down at pub 121. Cancel Pubquest. Stop reading. The dream was over.

Suddenly, Rob came bounding back. “I've got it!”

I managed to hold back my tears for a few seconds longer while I heard him out.

“There's Guinness,” he declared.

“Yeah, but we had that in the Star & Garter,” I recalled.

“But what's that next to it?” he asked, pointing to the next pump along.

“Guinness,” I replied, failing to see his point.

“Ah, not so,” retorted Rob, a glint in his eye. Rob once studied law at college and at times like this it became painfully obvious, explaining everything in a roundabout manner rather than just telling me what the fuck he was on about. Luckily, he dropped out after two terms, so he never quite reached the stage of speaking in Latin and demanding obscene amounts of money.

“Guinness, Extra, Cold,” Rob explained, pointing at each word. “It's a different drink!”

As it happens, I had visited the Guinness brewery myself, and I don't remember seeing two separate vats for the two different versions. But if desperate times call for desperate measures, then impossible times call for loopholes, tricks and cons. He had convinced me.

“Two pints of your Guinness Extra Cold,” I proudly declared, pointing at the specific pump we wanted them poured from.

After finding a table and sampling our beer (it tasted like Guinness, but a little colder), we were soon invited to enter the upcoming quiz. Still wanting to redeem ourselves after the horror show at The Shakey, we agreed. Although a two-man-team is a little on the light side for a pub quiz, what we lacked in numbers we made up for in experience intelligence blind optimism.

If you don't know, have a guess.

Alas, the questions were seemingly set by Albert Einstein himself, and we scored a pitiful 3/20. As embarrassing as it sounds, the standard of the questions was such that I was secretly quite pleased with our score.

...Until the announcement came through that one team had scored 20/20.

Now perhaps the quiz hadn't quite been the bewildering brick wall it felt to me and Rob. But there was no doubt it was impossible to score full marks without the aid of Google.

At this point there was a full-scale revolt amongst the patrons.

“If you allow that to stand, we're never coming here again,” cried one team from the corner.

“CHEATS!” shouted another, less subtly.

It soon transpired that the winning team was the Malin Bridge Inn staff Christmas party. Upon realising, the other teams made (strongly denied) accusations that perhaps, perhaps, the staff may have seen the questions in advance.

Rob and I were taking a back seat in all of this. By this point we had figured out that although we hadn't won, we probably hadn't finished in second place either. Therefore, any disqualifications would be immaterial to us. In fact, the landlord would probably have to disqualify the entire pub before our score found its way into first.

Having sat across from the accused staff members and watched them receive free drinks all night, we decided to adopt a longer-term approach.

“We didn't see them cheat, and we're sat right next to them,” we announced.

In order to prevent a riot, the landlord eventually relented and declared the second-place team winners. However, our protests weren't in vain, and we were soon invited to join the (disgraced) staff members' table.

By this stage they had acquired a bottle of tequila, and were duly shotting it in rounds. Kindly, they added an extra two shot glasses to the mix, passed us the salt and cut us some lime.

Salt, Tequila, Lime, WAHHH!

Any pub which provides us with a free drink (no matter how vile) gets a good rating from Pubquest. Our adulation can be bought like that.

Unfortunately, by the time of our third free shot, we had run out of lime – the one mildly pleasant part of the salt-tequila-lime trio. Undeterred, we resorted to just doing salt-tequila, which unsurprisingly tasted like salty tequila.

But HANG ON A MINUTE now there's a trolley of free drinks. Wow. We should sit with the staff more often.

I don't even remember any more. Apparently there was a dog. Great pub.

Pub: Malin Bridge Inn (194 Holme Lane, S6 4JZ)

Rating: 7.5/10

Pint: Guinness Extra Cold

Brewery: Guinness Brewery (Dublin)

NEXT UP: Snooker match-up, at The Princess Royal...

Pub 120, Day 46 – The Riverside

By Andy

The Riverside stared at us from across the Loxley.

The pub looks incredibly majestic, standing tall above the cascading weir. When night falls, its lights reflect in the torrent – the glare of the spotlights dancing in the water's surf.

Unfortunately, as usual, our photography failed to discern these subtle features, and we left the area with a single blurry picture. Behold.

We had attempted to visit The Riverside on our previous trip to Hillsborough, only to find it closed for refurbishments. As such, we arrived expecting a state-of-the-art interior and no-expense-spared furnishings.

It didn't deliver.

While the pub was undeniably clean and modern, it failed to produce the feeling of comfort that a 2014 refurb should have achieved.

However, we were pleased to see two ales on display, and selected Atlantic by Sharp's Brewery – only to be informed that “the ales were off”.

“Both of them?”

“Both of them.”

In my experience this is an immediate sign of a bad pub – this routine has happened far too often on Pubquest. The ale signs are proudly on display, and probably were available to drink once upon a time; however they never bothered replacing the barrel and now the clips are solely for aesthetic purposes.

In order to avoid repeating the fiasco at the Waggon & Horses, we quickly switched to two pints of Grolsch.

However, maybe I shouldn't be too harsh on The Riverside – it turns out that our initial beer choice, Atlantic, would have been a duplicate: we had already drank it at the Three Cranes, so to do so again would ruin our attempt to drink a different pint in each pub. 

After all, we can't rule out the possibility that The Riverside's staff read the blog, recognised us, realised we had already drank Atlantic, and lied to us about it being unavailable.

Is that really so outlandish?

Pub: The Riverside (383 Walkley Lane, S6 2PB)

Rating: 4.5/10

Pint: Grolsch

Brewery: Grolsch Brewery (Enschede, Netherlands)

NEXT UP: Pub quiz cheats, at the Malin Bridge Inn...