Pub 121, Day 46 – Malin Bridge Inn

By Andy

Having ticked off all the pubs on Hillsborough Corner, we ventured slightly further afield for our next visit: the Malin Bridge Inn. Neither of us actually knew where the pub was, but having grown up on the blue tram route we were fully aware that the terminus was at Malin Bridge. With that in mind, we followed the tram-tracks until we found the pub.

It was a traditional affair inside, featuring patterned carpets, upholstered stools and rowdy locals. There were two ales on display but we had encountered them both before, kickstarting a panicked search for a new drink.

I stood on my tiptoes to peer into the fridge, but failed to locate anything original. Rob went wandering round the corner of the bar, shaking his head at each logo he passed.

This was it. After drinking a different pint for 120 pubs, we were about to fall down at pub 121. Cancel Pubquest. Stop reading. The dream was over.

Suddenly, Rob came bounding back. “I've got it!”

I managed to hold back my tears for a few seconds longer while I heard him out.

“There's Guinness,” he declared.

“Yeah, but we had that in the Star & Garter,” I recalled.

“But what's that next to it?” he asked, pointing to the next pump along.

“Guinness,” I replied, failing to see his point.

“Ah, not so,” retorted Rob, a glint in his eye. Rob once studied law at college and at times like this it became painfully obvious, explaining everything in a roundabout manner rather than just telling me what the fuck he was on about. Luckily, he dropped out after two terms, so he never quite reached the stage of speaking in Latin and demanding obscene amounts of money.

“Guinness, Extra, Cold,” Rob explained, pointing at each word. “It's a different drink!”

As it happens, I had visited the Guinness brewery myself, and I don't remember seeing two separate vats for the two different versions. But if desperate times call for desperate measures, then impossible times call for loopholes, tricks and cons. He had convinced me.

“Two pints of your Guinness Extra Cold,” I proudly declared, pointing at the specific pump we wanted them poured from.

After finding a table and sampling our beer (it tasted like Guinness, but a little colder), we were soon invited to enter the upcoming quiz. Still wanting to redeem ourselves after the horror show at The Shakey, we agreed. Although a two-man-team is a little on the light side for a pub quiz, what we lacked in numbers we made up for in experience intelligence blind optimism.

If you don't know, have a guess.

Alas, the questions were seemingly set by Albert Einstein himself, and we scored a pitiful 3/20. As embarrassing as it sounds, the standard of the questions was such that I was secretly quite pleased with our score.

...Until the announcement came through that one team had scored 20/20.

Now perhaps the quiz hadn't quite been the bewildering brick wall it felt to me and Rob. But there was no doubt it was impossible to score full marks without the aid of Google.

At this point there was a full-scale revolt amongst the patrons.

“If you allow that to stand, we're never coming here again,” cried one team from the corner.

“CHEATS!” shouted another, less subtly.

It soon transpired that the winning team was the Malin Bridge Inn staff Christmas party. Upon realising, the other teams made (strongly denied) accusations that perhaps, perhaps, the staff may have seen the questions in advance.

Rob and I were taking a back seat in all of this. By this point we had figured out that although we hadn't won, we probably hadn't finished in second place either. Therefore, any disqualifications would be immaterial to us. In fact, the landlord would probably have to disqualify the entire pub before our score found its way into first.

Having sat across from the accused staff members and watched them receive free drinks all night, we decided to adopt a longer-term approach.

“We didn't see them cheat, and we're sat right next to them,” we announced.

In order to prevent a riot, the landlord eventually relented and declared the second-place team winners. However, our protests weren't in vain, and we were soon invited to join the (disgraced) staff members' table.

By this stage they had acquired a bottle of tequila, and were duly shotting it in rounds. Kindly, they added an extra two shot glasses to the mix, passed us the salt and cut us some lime.

Salt, Tequila, Lime, WAHHH!

Any pub which provides us with a free drink (no matter how vile) gets a good rating from Pubquest. Our adulation can be bought like that.

Unfortunately, by the time of our third free shot, we had run out of lime – the one mildly pleasant part of the salt-tequila-lime trio. Undeterred, we resorted to just doing salt-tequila, which unsurprisingly tasted like salty tequila.

But HANG ON A MINUTE now there's a trolley of free drinks. Wow. We should sit with the staff more often.

I don't even remember any more. Apparently there was a dog. Great pub.

Pub: Malin Bridge Inn (194 Holme Lane, S6 4JZ)

Rating: 7.5/10

Pint: Guinness Extra Cold

Brewery: Guinness Brewery (Dublin)

NEXT UP: Snooker match-up, at The Princess Royal...