Pub 22, Day 6 – Heeley & Sheffield

By Rob

Leaving The Red Lion, and putting the snooker score firmly out of our mind, we stumbled across a rather striking realisation: we were hungry.

While ingesting food is a biological necessity fundamental to the practice of not dying, it takes on added importance when you are drinking pint after pint of beer. So it was that we, in our limitless wisdom, decided to pop into Gleadless Townend’s premier dining establishment – Viva Tequila. Seemingly the brainchild of an entrepreneur who was torn between opening either an Italian restaurant or a Mexican bar, Viva represents the hybrid offspring of this surprisingly fruitful union.

Upon our arrival we secured a table for two, having no trouble seeing as the place was even less busy than the pub we had just left, and settled in for what looked set to be an intimate experience.

The date, for that is essentially what it was, was wonderful. The food was both good and very reasonably priced. The waiter did an excellent job of hiding his initial disquiet and subsequent disbelief when we decided to engage in the charade of pretending we were in a homosexual and deeply romantic relationship with one another.

NB: (For all the women reading this who are between the ages of 20 and 30, I would like to point out that no genuine intimacy took place during our enactment and that I am entirely heterosexual. Alas, I will not say the same for Andy as I just don’t feel comfortable discussing his sexual orientation without his prior permission, so it is probably best to assume that he is unavailable and just message me instead)

If I did have a boyfriend, I'd want him to make more effort on a date

After we had finished our meal and left, we headed over to the Heeley & Sheffield.

I would like to say that this pub was warm and cosy, with a friendly atmosphere and pleasant staff. I would like to tell you that the customers were all jolly old men who shook our hands and welcomed us into their local public house with earnest smiles and fond hellos. I would like to write these things with a sincere hand, but then I’d need to have been inside a different pub.

The pub is obviously too big for purpose. Its six customers were huddled around the bar in the centre of the room, while the rest of it stretched away into dark disuse. They all made a point of turning to look towards the door as it creaked open and we stepped inside. One could be forgiven for thinking the entire scene was being secretly directed by Sergio Leone, as we elicited stares upon entering the old run-down saloon. Fortunately, the pistol duels and bar brawls were kept to a strict minimum.

We ordered two pints of John Smith’s Extra Cold.

Now, you might be thinking that John Smith’s Extra Cold is essentially the same beer as John Smith’s Extra Smooth. You would be thinking wrong. One is marginally colder than the other. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it was extra cold.

Sitting in a corner of the pub, away from the central nucleus of activity, we didn't hang around for very long. In fact, the amount of time we stayed was precisely the number of minutes it takes for a person to drink a pint of John Smith’s.

The Heeley gets a dismal, yet deserved, 3/10.

Pub: Heeley & Sheffield (781 Gleadless Road, S12 2QD)

Rating: 3/10

Pint: John Smith’s Extra Cold      

Brewery: John Smith's Brewery (Tadcaster, North Yorkshire)

NEXT UP: The strongest beer in the world, at the Frog & Parrot...