Pub 76, Day 29 – The Birley

By Rob

Sitting almost directly across the road from our current location at The Sherwood, The Birley was always going to be next on our list. The three of us (me, Andy and Reanna – my sister, for those not quite keeping up) walked the requisite fifty yards from one pub door to the next and stepped inside yet another budget eatery.

The Birley, it's safe to say, was a bit of a shit pub.

While The Sherwood was fairly nondescript and looked every inch the chain pub, it had a certain warmth to it. The Birley, on the other hand, had all the warmth of a Norwegian January. It was drab where The Sherwood was bright. It was dour where The Sherwood was friendly. It was worn where The Sherwood was marginally less worn.

Arriving at the bar, we reviewed the range of ales on offer.

The range of ales didn't include any that we recognised.

By which I mean it didn't include any.

What I'm saying is: there were no ales.

Two pints of Stella Artois later (reassuringly expensive, but annoyingly commonplace), we headed over to the pool table, where somebody won 1-0. I won't bother going into details about who it was that won, or who it was that lost, or where the overall Pubquest pool score stood at the end of it. The game was played and the game was finished. Enough said.

As for the pub, it really wasn't appealing. A little dark, a little dingy,  and with no ales on offer, it was immediately apparent that it wouldn't be winning any of the coveted Pubquest awards.

Andy, having not eaten any dinner, was by this point very hungry. He thus picked up a menu to peruse the culinary options available to him. Unimpressed with what was on offer, and somewhat dissuaded by the slightly rundown surroundings, he deliberated at great length over whether or not to order some food. Leaving him to his thoughts, I headed to the toilet.

Pulling the door open, I was assaulted by an almighty stench – so potent in its malodour that it almost melted the contact lenses right off my eyes. Staggering back from the noisome attack on my olfactory senses, I turned to see Andy clap a hand over his nose in a vain attempt to defend himself from the pestilential miasma.

Now, I accept that toilets are never going to be the nicest of places and, considering what they're built for, I'm prepared to tolerate a certain degree of unpleasantness. However, when you're inches away from calling 999, firm in the belief that there's a decomposing human cadaver in one of the cubicles, then it's gone too far.

With his face turning the same colour as the baize on the pool table, Andy decided that he would forgo the dining experience and seek sustenance elsewhere.

With that decision made, we finished off our drinks rather more quickly than we did in The Sherwood and decided to head to the next place.

Overall opinion? The pints may have been Stella, but the pub certainly wasn't.

The Birley Pool Score: Andy 1-0 Rob
Pubquest Pool Score: Andy 41-28 Rob

Pub: The Birley (66 Birley Moor Road, S12 4WB)

Rating: 3/10

Pint: Stella Artois

Brewery: Anheuser-Busch InBev (based in Leuven, Belgium)

NEXT UP: A Top Gear challenge, at the Ridgeway Arms...