Pub 21, Day 6 – The Red Lion

By Andy

Blinking back into the city lights, we began the steep walk uphill to the first Red Lion of Pubquest, located at Gleadless Townend. Despite looking a bit iffy from the outside, it turned out to be a welcoming pub with a good selection of beers. Opting for Slater's Premium Best Bitter, we headed for the back room, where we discovered The Red Lion's greatest feature... a snooker table!

Rather like the red squirrel, the snooker table faces fierce competition from a more adept species; the pool table. Pool is simpler, easier, and requires a smaller table, so landlords are more inclined to install one. Snooker on the other hand requires a larger table and therefore a greater level of skill. This is evidenced by the fact that I'm decent at pool, yet hopelessly inept at snooker. Still, I prefer the latter.

Were I Prime Minister I may well pass a law making snooker tables mandatory in all pubs. Indeed, I may go a step further and replace the current immigration regulations with a test on which order to pot the colours in snooker. Anyone who knows that is British enough for me.

Now, at this point I should set the scene. For the past three years, me and Rob have been undertaking a mammoth best-of-35-frames snooker match. At the time of our visit to the Red Lion, I held a crushingly one-sided 15-14 lead. The rivalry was there for all to see. Comparisons to Steve Davis vs Dennis Taylor were not far wide of the mark. In front of a hushed crowd (well, an empty pub) we picked up the cues to do battle once more.

Let's pretend that Rob potted this red (he didn't)

I'd love to say that within 20 minutes the table was cleared and a winner was crowned. Unfortunately, this was not the case. An hour later however, the balls were sunk and I had emerged victorious.

Aware that we'd been hogging the snooker table for an exceptionally long period of time, we glanced around. Luckily, the pub was still nigh-on empty. Feeling particularly confident after subjecting Rob to yet another defeat (at 16-14, I had now won a staggering 53% of frames), I suggested one more.

Almost immediately however, things began to go wrong. No sooner had we broken off than a man arrived and asked if he and his friend could play after us. Judging by the fact that he had brought his own cue, it was clear that this man was an infinitely better player than we were, and hour-long scrappy frames were not something he had ever been witness to before.

Noticing the panic-stricken look on our faces, he tried to reassure us. “Don't worry”, he claimed, “we don't mind waiting. The guy I'm playing's not even here yet.” We smiled gamely, but deep down we both knew that his opponent could be travelling from Cornwall by foot and still arrive before we had seen off the reds.

Sure enough, his opponent soon arrived, complete with cue. Perhaps my memory's playing tricks on me, but I think he was even wearing a waistcoat.

Thankfully, the law of averages was on our side. A snooker table is approximately 5% pocket, so after a while passed in which we were bashing balls around, only the pink and black remained. As usual, it was shaping up to be another crushing victory for myself – I was ahead by 1 point.

However, this was where things began to stall. Knowing that the next two balls would decide the frame, and being competitive folk, we proceeded to produce an array of masterful safety shots that would have left Peter Ebdon gushing with pride. Rather predictably, this was not going down well with our two onlookers, who were now growing impatient. At one point, having left the pink perfectly on the top cushion, I turned to receive the audience's adulation, only to be greeted by a very audible tut.

Eventually I sank the pink, giving me a 7-point lead with only the black ball remaining. I'm sure by now you've all worked out what happened next. No? Well, Rob knocked the black in (worth 7 points), meaning that at the end of the frame we were tied. Faced with no other option, and with the mood of the crowd now verging on civil unrest, we took the black ball out of the pocket and placed it back on the table.

The rest of the match was a bit of a blur. Fearful of getting chased out of the pub, we smashed the black around the table until it dropped. Rob emerged victorious. With great haste, we apologised and departed.

Our own snooker abilities aside however, the Red Lion was a lovely pub: 7.5/10.

Red Lion snooker score: Andy 1-1 Rob

Pubquest snooker score: Andy 1-1 Rob

Pub: The Red Lion (972 Gleadless Road, S12 2LL)

Rating: 7.5/10

Beer: Premium Best Bitter    

Brewery: Slater's (Stafford, Staffordshire)

NEXT UP: A beautiful man-date, at the Heeley & Sheffield...