Pub 21, Day 6 – The Red Lion

By Andy

Blinking back into the city lights, we began the steep walk uphill to the first Red Lion of Pubquest, located at Gleadless Townend. Despite looking a bit iffy from the outside, it turned out to be a welcoming pub with a good selection of beers. Opting for Slater's Premium Best Bitter, we headed for the back room, where we discovered The Red Lion's greatest feature... a snooker table!

Rather like the red squirrel, the snooker table faces fierce competition from a more adept species; the pool table. Pool is simpler, easier, and requires a smaller table, so landlords are more inclined to install one. Snooker on the other hand requires a larger table and therefore a greater level of skill. This is evidenced by the fact that I'm decent at pool, yet hopelessly inept at snooker. Still, I prefer the latter.

Were I Prime Minister I may well pass a law making snooker tables mandatory in all pubs. Indeed, I may go a step further and replace the current immigration regulations with a test on which order to pot the colours in snooker. Anyone who knows that is British enough for me.

Now, at this point I should set the scene. For the past three years, me and Rob have been undertaking a mammoth best-of-35-frames snooker match. At the time of our visit to the Red Lion, I held a crushingly one-sided 15-14 lead. The rivalry was there for all to see. Comparisons to Steve Davis vs Dennis Taylor were not far wide of the mark. In front of a hushed crowd (well, an empty pub) we picked up the cues to do battle once more.

Let's pretend that Rob potted this red (he didn't)

I'd love to say that within 20 minutes the table was cleared and a winner was crowned. Unfortunately, this was not the case. An hour later however, the balls were sunk and I had emerged victorious.

Aware that we'd been hogging the snooker table for an exceptionally long period of time, we glanced around. Luckily, the pub was still nigh-on empty. Feeling particularly confident after subjecting Rob to yet another defeat (at 16-14, I had now won a staggering 53% of frames), I suggested one more.

Almost immediately however, things began to go wrong. No sooner had we broken off than a man arrived and asked if he and his friend could play after us. Judging by the fact that he had brought his own cue, it was clear that this man was an infinitely better player than we were, and hour-long scrappy frames were not something he had ever been witness to before.

Noticing the panic-stricken look on our faces, he tried to reassure us. “Don't worry”, he claimed, “we don't mind waiting. The guy I'm playing's not even here yet.” We smiled gamely, but deep down we both knew that his opponent could be travelling from Cornwall by foot and still arrive before we had seen off the reds.

Sure enough, his opponent soon arrived, complete with cue. Perhaps my memory's playing tricks on me, but I think he was even wearing a waistcoat.

Thankfully, the law of averages was on our side. A snooker table is approximately 5% pocket, so after a while passed in which we were bashing balls around, only the pink and black remained. As usual, it was shaping up to be another crushing victory for myself – I was ahead by 1 point.

However, this was where things began to stall. Knowing that the next two balls would decide the frame, and being competitive folk, we proceeded to produce an array of masterful safety shots that would have left Peter Ebdon gushing with pride. Rather predictably, this was not going down well with our two onlookers, who were now growing impatient. At one point, having left the pink perfectly on the top cushion, I turned to receive the audience's adulation, only to be greeted by a very audible tut.

Eventually I sank the pink, giving me a 7-point lead with only the black ball remaining. I'm sure by now you've all worked out what happened next. No? Well, Rob knocked the black in (worth 7 points), meaning that at the end of the frame we were tied. Faced with no other option, and with the mood of the crowd now verging on civil unrest, we took the black ball out of the pocket and placed it back on the table.

The rest of the match was a bit of a blur. Fearful of getting chased out of the pub, we smashed the black around the table until it dropped. Rob emerged victorious. With great haste, we apologised and departed.

Our own snooker abilities aside however, the Red Lion was a lovely pub: 7.5/10.

Red Lion snooker score: Andy 1-1 Rob

Pubquest snooker score: Andy 1-1 Rob

Pub: The Red Lion (972 Gleadless Road, S12 2LL)

Rating: 7.5/10

Beer: Premium Best Bitter    

Brewery: Slater's (Stafford, Staffordshire)

NEXT UP: A beautiful man-date, at the Heeley & Sheffield...

Pub 20, Day 6 – The New Inn

By Rob

Well, I’m pleased to see that Andy has elected to take up his fair share of the blogging. I won’t lie to you, doing this alone has been a difficult burden to shoulder. It might have been easier had I just been writing pointless posts that nobody was ever going to read, but when you’re catering to an innumerable array of avid fans who hang upon your every word, it can be difficult.

Now, back to the Gleadless pub run.

We moved from The Punch Bowl down towards The New Inn. In the interest of fairness, I would like to point out that this is my parents' local pub. They love it. Come hell or high water, when Friday evening rolls around they are in that boozer. My dad loves it because it’s the only pub in the area that offers a good selection of real ales. My mum loves it because she can take her dogs inside and beam with pleasure whenever anybody shows even the remotest interest in them.

As for me, I've always found it to be a friendly little pub that is nicely decorated, warm and welcoming. I think it’s safe to say that, of all the pubs within walking distance from my parents' house, this is easily the nicest one there is.

But, as I said, I’m hardly impartial. 

We ordered ourselves a pint of Spire Brewery’s Dark Side of the Moon, which incidentally is also the name of an album by Pink Floyd as well as being a line in what is unquestionably the best song in Disney’s animated musical Mulan. Of course, this beer might never match the commercial success of Pink Floyd’s album, and will surely never be quite as child-appropriate as Mulan, but it was a nice dark mild with just the slightest hint of toffee in the taste.

I should say that Andy was a good deal less content than I was. As he previously mentioned, The New Inn was not showing the World Cup match. Given that the owners were neither Australian nor Dutch, I found the situation somewhat less incredulous than he did. Additionally, given that I don’t care much about football, I found the situation somewhat less upsetting than he did.

So, the New Inn gets a hearty 8/10 from me. It serves nice beer, the staff are friendly and the pub is small enough to be cosy while still big enough to allow you to find a seat. Overall, the most impressive thing about the pub is that it manages to maintain an almost rural feel to it, despite being in the midst of Sheffield’s suburban sprawl and just thirty seconds from a busy dual carriageway.

Pub: The New Inn (282 Hollinsend Road, S12 2NR)

Rating: 8/10

Beer: Dark Side of the Moon    

Brewery: Spire Brewing Company (Chesterfield)

NEXT UP: Upsetting the locals, at The Red Lion...

Pub 19, Day 6 – The Punch Bowl

By Andy

Once again Rob’s laziness strikes, and the blog has fallen behind schedule. This from a guy who spends his spare time dropping out of university courses, yet can’t even rouse himself to pen the blog which he alone chose to undertake.

Having ran out of grandparents to kill off (his go-to excuse whenever his motivation runs dry), he has opted to shame me into contributing – a fairer division of labour will inspire him to blog once more, he claims.

And let’s not kid ourselves, the story of Pubquest needs telling.

So it is that you, our loyal readers (ha) will be blessed with two narrators.

Hence why I find myself dredging the depths of my memory in order to produce a review of a pub that I attended once, for one pint, over six months ago. Like a university essay the night before deadline day, this will require coffee, Haribo, and ample quotations from Wikipedia.

The aptly-named Punch Bowl was to be our next visit, the first in a run of Gleadless pubs we had lined up for the day.

Although the pub once had a reputation for being a bit of a rough’un, it had clearly undergone somewhat of a transformation and had a friendlier feel than expected. However, our worst fears were confirmed when we were greeted by the same predictable pints which plague our Pubquest nightmares. After a deep discussion, we opted to go for John Smith’s Extra Smooth, “the best-selling bitter in the UK.”^[1] When John Smith’s is the most exotic beer on offer, you know the landlord could do with being a touch more adventurous.

Is there any point in me reviewing John Smith’s? It was John Smith’s, the arse-end of beers. On a cold winter’s evening, just before pay-day, in a pub which has ran out of nigh-on every other available drink, it may be an option worth turning to – but on a summer’s afternoon it was all wrong.

Still, the World Cup was on, and the pub was showing the football, so it was an enjoyable visit. Australia vs Holland accompanied our pint – with hindsight, Foster's or Heineken would have been more appropriate.

Halfway through our drink, the pub’s noise level, which until this point consisted of a low murmur, was suddenly cranked up to a slightly higher-pitched murmur – Tim Cahill had just scored the goal which would go on to be voted the 4^th-best goal of 2014 by anyone, anywhere. You know the one, “an unstoppable left-foot volley off the underside of the bar.”^[2] One man pointed at the TV screen. Another raised his eyebrows in appreciation. Rob, whose sole football-viewing experience consisted of a Sheffield United v Colchester United League One match, probably said something along the lines of “that’s nothing compared to what Chris Porter can produce.”

At half time, I made us down our drinks, so that we could get to the next pub for the second half.

Rather predictably, the next pub wasn’t showing the match.

Pub: The Punch Bowl (95 Hurlfield Road, S12 2SF)

Rating: 4.5/10

Pint: John Smith’s Extra Smooth      

Brewery: John Smith's Brewery (Tadcaster, North Yorkshire)

NEXT UP: A trip to Rob's local, at The New Inn...

References:

[1] Wikipedia – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Smith%27s_Brewery accessed March 2015

[2] Wikipedia – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2014_FIFA_World_Cup_Group_B accessed March 2015

Pub 18, Day 5 – Sheffield Water Works Company

By Rob

So this is the first Wetherspoons to be visited during Pubquest. Inevitably, there will be a good number of these popping up later in the list because, as everyone knows, they are everywhere. My feelings towards Wetherspoons are mixed:

On the Downside –

An invasive species, like Japanese knotweed or the grey squirrel, Wetherspoons has killed off a great number of already struggling pubs. In a Darwinian show of fitness, Wetherspoons has proven itself more than able to outperform the smaller chains and individual pubs scattered across the UK. Sheffield is no exception to this.

Naturally, this has erased a good deal of character and individuality from the drinking landscape of many towns and cities, although perhaps not quite as starkly as you might think. Like some sort of body-snatching alien life form, Wetherspoons doesn't flatten pubs and erect one of their own buildings in its place. Instead, each pub adopts an individual name, often related to the premises or the local area, and the exterior stays similar to before. Unsuspecting passersby are lured in, only to discover once inside that they are within the standard ‘Spoons’ environment: A strange mixture of students, old men, and real ale lovers who come in to sample the guest beers.

On the Plus Side –

The beer is cheap. I mean, it’s really cheap. Also, there are always real ales available. We each had a pint of Acorn Darkness.

The Sheffield Waterworks building

Despite Wetherspoons being a chain of pubs, I think each one should be rated individually. The pubs are not entirely uniform and despite the identical drink menus on offer, there is more to a pub than just what it has in stock or how much it charges.

While the interior was typically uniform, it was a spacious and pleasant place. Like many of the Wetherspoons in Sheffield, this one lived inside a large and impressive building. In this instance, it was the former site of the Sheffield Water Works Company.

The Waterworks gets 6.5/10.

Pub: Sheffield Water Works Company (2 Division Street, S1 4GF)

Rating: 6.5/10

Pint: Acorn Darkness     

Brewery: Acorn Brewery (Barnsley)

NEXT UP: A new blogger on the scene, at The Punch Bowl...

Pub 17, Day 5 – The Penny Black

By Rob

On the walk between pubs we recalled all those times that Danny had come close to pulling but, thanks to the inexplicable hostility of fate towards this particular gentleman, had repeatedly missed out at the last minute. We entertained the distinct possibility that he might, in fact, die alone. With this cheery thought fresh in our minds, we found ourselves at the Penny Black.

Across the road from the bus station, this is hardly the greatest looking pub. However, there is a frequently voiced piece of advice that warns us: don’t judge a book by its cover. The Penny Black, while appearing grotty and run-down from the outside, could very well be a different pub on the inside.

Except it wasn’t.

But! There was real ale available and for this we were grateful.

One pint of Ruddles Smooth each for me and Andy.

Sitting there, drinking our pints, we were presented with an invaluable opportunity to critically assess Danny’s technique at engaging with women. What we discovered was that an essential ingredient in a successful strategy is maintaining realistic outcome expectations while also making every effort not to come across creepy and/or weird. A case in point: I remember one night in town where Danny, in a show of alcohol-enhanced confidence, gave his number to a group of girls who then disappeared into the crowded dancefloor.

At the end of that particular night me, him and our friend Zak (mentioned previously) all went back to our flat. The kettle was switched on, tea was poured, and pyjamas were worn. We were sat around getting ready to head to bed when Danny’s mobile rang. It was the girls who, for some reason, had been kicked out of the hotel they were staying in and thus they wanted somewhere to go. Danny, hit with a sudden brainwave, elected to tell the girls that we were currently hosting a party at our flat and told them that they should attend. Of course, the major issue was that we were definitely not having a party. Zak and I were forced to pull some jeans on over the pyjamas, pour away the tea, and put on some music, all while Danny filled up some empty vodka bottles with water to make it look as if we had alcohol in.

Unfortunately, the girls arrived. They entered the flat expecting to see a party, and instead saw three people sat down while some music played quietly in the background. Naturally worried that she had been lured to our flat under false pretences, one girl feared for her safety so much that she locked herself away in our bathroom and phoned one of her male friends for help. This shining beacon of society arrived soon after and safely escorted the girls away. We put our pyjamas back on, gave Danny a pat on the back out of sympathy, and finally went to bed.

The moral of the story is probably something like “Don’t be weird and lie about parties”.

Anyway!

The Penny Black gets 4.5/10. It was by no means horrible, the staff were nice and friendly, and the ale was a surprising find.

Pub: The Penny Black (40 Pond Hill, S1 2BG)

Rating: 4.5/10

Beer: Ruddles Smooth    

Brewery: Greene King Brewery (Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk)

NEXT UP: Our first Wetherspoons, at Sheffield Water Works Company...

Pub 16, Day 5 – Sheffield Tap

By Rob

Me and Andy are not above charitable acts and, as such, we offered an invitation to our mate Danny. A fellow who hasn’t really had success with a member of the opposite sex since 2009, it’s understandable why we felt the need to extend the hand of friendship and bring him out with us on a little bit of Pubquest.

The Sheffield Tap is a fantastic pub, built into the train station and offering a great view of the railways. It’s got an old fashioned, Victorian-esque feel to it and has an excellent range of real ales, which is handy for all those real ale enthusiasts and those few sad people who are trying to drink a different pint in every pub in Sheffield.

Permanently in a state of predatory bachelorism, Danny took the opportunity to subtly stare at every female in the place. You might think that being stared at from across a room would be interpreted as a compliment, but it definitely is not. Additionally, while Danny is a lovely guy, he suffers from a small problem, which is that he lusts after girls several orders of magnitude more attractive than himself.

Sheffield Tap gets 9/10 for its good beers and unique charm – we each finished a pint of Bakewell Best Bitter, except for Danny who had a Carling.

Pub: Sheffield Tap (Platform 1B, Sheffield Station, Sheaf Street, S1 2BP)

Rating: 9/10

Pint: Bakewell Best Bitter    

Brewery: Peak Ales (Bakewell)

NEXT UP: From the train station to the bus station, at The Penny Black...

Pub 15, Day 4 – Nottingham House

By Rob

So there we were, me and Andy enjoying a nice pint of Kronenbourg Cold Premiere in the comfort of the Nottingham House, a pleasant little student pub in Broomhill. We spy a stack of old board games resting on the window ledge and decide to have a little game of Connect Four. Well, it soon gets heated as we realise that we're both pretty good at this game. The friendliness melts away, leaving behind only a cold, keen desire to win.

Now, you might ask "how exciting can a game of Connect Four possibly be?" Well, the answer will surprise you. A couple of people looked over to watch our game, evidently enthralled by the sportsmanship on display. Noticing the audience's rapt attention, we point out that there is another game of Connect Four in the pile, and before you know it we had a mini-tournament in place. This is how it went: (I forget the names of the other guys involved)

Round 1:

Rob vs. Challenger 1.             Andy vs. Challenger 2.

(Rob wins)                              (Andy wins)

 

Round 2:

Rob vs. Andy

(Andy won, by playing in an unsportsmanlike way)

It's fair to say that we were both pretty pleased about making the final round of this tournament. It felt like a big deal. I was not pleased in the least to lose to Andy in the end, and here's why...

...I don't know how good the average person is at Connect Four, but we were well above average, throwing in all kind of complex maneuvers and always trying to keep three steps ahead of the opponent. The way we played it transformed it into chess. Because we'd gotten to such an advanced level, I was not prepared for Andy to play the pretty low-level standard horizontal line. That's basic stuff, and I thought there was an understanding between us that we were playing above that. But Andy, intent on winning, played this move that was so straightforward that I had completely overlooked it.

 

Suffice to say that I'm still bitter about this.

Nottingham House, despite being the venue for my crushing defeat in the finale of a tournament that Sheffield students still talk about, gets 7.5/10.

Notty House Connect 4 score: Andy 1-0 Rob

Pubquest Connect 4 score: Andy 1-0 Rob

Pub: Nottingham House (164 Whitham Road, S10 2SR)

Rating: 7.5/10

Pint: Kronenbourg Cold Premiere   

Brewery: Kronenbourg Brewery (Obernai, France)

NEXT UP: All aboard, for the Sheffield Tap...