Pub 109, Day 41 – Sheaf House

By Andy

You often forget the low points in sport.

While promotions and cup wins are immortalised by merchandise and newspaper clippings, your team's worst moments are subconsciously suppressed.

Each summer, in order to justify the upcoming outlay for yet another season-ticket, all memory of defeat has long been erased, tactfully replaced by sentimental recollections of consolation goals and warm pies.

Unfortunately for me, Sheffield United's lowest point for 35 years coincided with Pubquest's tour of the pubs around Bramall Lane, so I have copious notes outlining my thoughts on the day the Blades slumped to 22^nd in English football's third tier.

Sheffield United 0-3 Southend United.

However, as you may have worked out, for this to be the low point, things were about to improve (and how), so we can all enjoy my contemporary notes with the knowledge that the players I ridiculed would (for the most part) go on to be heroes.

***

The last stop before the match was the Sheaf House, a large pub with an even larger car park.

With kick-off approaching, the pub was stupidly busy – just entering the premises was difficult, and navigating our way to the bar seemed an impossibility. But we didn't create Pubquest to stand around in car parks, so with numerous “excuse me mates” and the odd elbow, we battled our way to the front. To the numerous patrons whose pints we spilled along the way: I apologise.

With our view of the bar constrained by the mass of bodies, we selected Kronenbourg. (Pubquest Superfans may recall that we drank a Kronenbourg variant in the Nottingham House, but the internet assures me they are slightly different beers.)

The pub had three distinct sections: the bar room, which featured a projector showing Sky Sports News; a games room, with a pool table and a fantastic tiled floor; and a raised area, which contained I have absolutely no idea because there were about 10,000 people between me and the steps.

Personally I prefer to drink further afield on matchdays, not least to avoid the chaos that is pre-match urinating. Typically, this consists of a three-deep horizontal queue for the urinal, and after a quick jostle for position, you are greeted by splashback from all sides. (Other options include a lengthy wait for the token cubicle, or the 'queue-jump' alternative of pissing in the sink.)

By the time I returned from the toilets, the crush in the pub had thankfully eased, as early birds had left for the match. Suddenly, everyone vanished, leaving behind a mountain of empty glasses. Panicking slightly (presumably the regulars know how long the walk takes), we downed our drinks and hurried to the stadium.

Despite a stuttering start to the season for Sheffield United, I was cautiously optimistic – after all, Southend were hardly footballing superpowers. Indeed, they hadn't won a game since beating Sheffield United five months ago. Presumably our players would be busting a gut to prevent a repeat occurrence.

After making a few notes about the pubs, I decided to jot down a brief summary of the match, in case I wanted to reference it in the blog. What follows is a faithful transcription of my irate scribblings:

Jack O'Connell after
slicing one into his own net

• 5 mins: Losing 1-0, own goal by new signing Jack O'Connell. He looks SHITE. We have enough shite defenders already, why have we signed another
• 13 mins: Losing 2-0, George Long error. The man is completely useless, not sure why we persist with him
• 15 mins: Losing 3-0, Jack O'Connell fucked up AGAIN. This must be a new record for ineptitude
• 75 mins: No signs of a comeback. Leon Clarke never scores and has no redeeming qualities

All in all, a good day's drinking spoiled by the football. As usual.

Postscript:

• Sheffield United won their next 7 home games in a row, and stormed to the league title with a club-record 100 points
• Jack O'Connell became a cult hero, inspiring thousands of United fans to dress up as a wizard during the promotion party in Milton Keynes (it's a long story)
• George Long never played another game for Sheffield United, and was quickly offloaded to a different team

• 

  Jack O'Connell heads a (polystyrene) brick
  during the end-of-season celebrations

  On 04 November 2017, Leon Clarke became the first Sheffield United player to score 4 goals in
  1 game since 1983
  
  

Pub: Sheaf House
(329 Bramall Lane, S2 4RH)

Rating: 4.5/10

Pint: Kronenbourg 1664

Brewery:
Kronenbourg Brewery (Obernai, France)

NEXT UP: Sheffield's first micropub, at The Beer House...